A promise is always a promise
by Linneagb
Summary: A promise is always a promise. And that is even though the word "promise" is never spoken out loud.


**It's after the second chapter I made for Tracy in how they ended up in care. Where she goes into care after ending up in hospital. And it's told from Mike's pov. I've been working for quite a while on it so I hope you like it. **

**This one is written for my best Internet- friend x snow- pony x**

"What was her name again?" I asked. "I think she had one of those last names. You know… a name that also is a word…"

"Tracy Beaker." Jenny answered. "And Elaine should be here with her any time now."

As on a given signal we saw Elaine's car coming driving up the street and the driveway to Stowey House.

"NEW GIRL'S HERE."

I heard someone shouting from the hallway.

"I'll go make sure they at least let her breathe…" I stood up- knowing Jenny was busy for the moment. "Come on kids, back off. Now," I looked down on the curly- haired, pale nine- year-old who was clutching a copy of Anne of green gables to her chest.. "All of you will get the chance to meet all of you." None of them moved. "Welcome to the mad-house…Should I take your bag?" Tracy shook her head and gripped around the bag even harder while pushing the book close to her chest with the other arm. "It's okay. Then I won't." Tracy didn't look away and kept glaring at me. "Do you want to come with me and I can show you to your room? COME ON KIDS…. Let Tracy breathe."

"Come on." Adele said carefully and patted Louise's shoulder. "You and I can go use my makeup some. I think I might even have some old ones you can have anyway."

I mimed a thank you to Adele. As a teenager she usually had quite some things to say about living in care. But each and every child could surprise- including her who usually stayed in her room thinking the younger kids were pains in the ass…

There was mumbling, there were only seconds but to Tracy it must have felt like hours before we could get past the others, only interrupted by one.

"Hi Tracy." Peter stood a few stairs up to be able to look Tracy in the eyes. "I'm Peter and I'm the newest one here. Which means I was the latest one to move in and I moved here one month ago. I know…" I just had to interrupt. Even though it wasn't quite like Peter Ingham to get this excited and talkative- he obviously really liked

"Actually Pete. I think I'll show Tracy to her room…" It was as even the curls on Peter's head sulked at that. "Why don't you go and sort out a snack for the both of you." He lit up again and went towards the kitchen while I gently pushed Tracy towards the stairs. "The system with the room and all people and their names might seem a bit confusing. But I promise you, none of us are as dangerous as we look. Peter there is the kindest kid on earth. But he can be a bit nagging because like any five year old he goes after what he wants and doesn't always realize when enough is enough. Here is your room."

A girl named Laura had had this room and only left this place last week. And she had wanted color only- for everything. When Tracy walked in and looked for I almost expected her to become dazzled and blind from the color(s).

"It's very pink!"

"It is very pink…" I agreed. "But we can paint or put a wallpaper of a kind that you like. What colors do you like? Tracy? Trace? Are you feeling alright?"

Tracy had suddenly swayed where she stood, I laid a hand on her back and ready to catch her if she fell. Having heard about how she'd been terrible ill and in hospital the last few days I felt her forehead- the fever should have gone down by now. But still I felt an unusual heat radiating into my palm from her forehead.

"Here." I gently pushed her back and towards the bed which already had covers and gently pushed her to lie down which she did, collapsing on top of the covers. "How are you feeling?"

Tracy didn't answer, there were enough of answers in the tears that had risen in her eyes, that she annoyingly wiped away with the back of her hand.

"I'm not crying." She said, a bit forcedly and slurry. "I have hay- fever."

I frowned, we were usually told things about allergies or illnesses before a child came into care. But then of course, with Tracy having been ill in pneumonia and through that being taken into care things had gone fast and could have been missed.

I'd have to check with Elaine if Tracy really was allergic- or if it was something she said to cover up the tears and sniveling- I could have bet anything which one was the correct answer…

Tracy didn't lift her head more, but she did look slightly past me and the colors around the room while she almost silenced if it hadn't been for that sniveling.

"I like pink."

"Then we can keep it pink." I promised her. "We can't get you your own TV or computer or diamonds or gold. But we can make this room the way you want it."

"I'm not gonna stay here for long anyway." She said angrily in that way that only a heartbroken kid could. "My mum will come and get me soon and then we will go live in America, and she'll be famous. And I can have all diamonds and gold I want. Then I can have a huge room- bigger than this whole house."

That would make a very big house…

I suppressed a laughter and stroke my hand over her hair. The black, thick curls standing right up after me pushing them down.

I couldn't help but smile. But Tracy didn't look up at me. Where she laid on her stomach she wasn't even moving her eyes anymore…

"You can sleep if you want to." I told her. "You've been very ill and rest is important for getting better…"

Now she moved again, she lifted her head but didn't say anything, just looked straight into my eyes as if she wished for something that couldn't be said.

I had quite a good idea about what it might be. I had seen that look before. Once the kids had, for different reasons been taken away from and lost everything they knew…

"I'll make sure I'm still here when you wake up."

**xXxXxX **

Tracy's temperature had risen only minutes after she came to Stowey House. I, Duke, Elaine and Jenny had sort of made up, with ourselves and with each other that we'd take her back to the hospital. Maybe we should have already but one wouldn't want to take a ten year old to the hospital and especially not with everything she was already going through.

"I checked her temperature a couple of hours ago." I was in the kitchen and put up some things on a tray while Jenny came and leaned against the kitchen counter. "It's still right over 38, but she doesn't seem as feverish and tired anymore. So maybe that's a sign it's turning. And hopefully this time it won't get worse again as it did when she got out of hospital."

"Let's hope so." I put a glass of orange juice on the tray with some pieces of toast and one of Duke's famous muffins and then took it. "I'll just take this to her."

I didn't have to go that far. In the turn at the half of the stairs she sat on the bench in the window. Her legs were pulled up by her and she stared out the window and to the driveway…

"You should go lie down." I sat down next to her and handed her the glass of water from the tray. "Pneumonia is a serious matter and we don't want you to get worse now you're out of the hospital."

Tracy just shrugged and while she sipped from the glass her eyes looked as if she was somewhere far away from here.

"I'm just waiting for my mum to come and get me." I could have guessed that was what she was doing. "Then I'll see her- she'll be here soon. You'll see."

I suppressed a sigh, I felt heartbroken already. I had seen so much of a care kid sitting in this very window seal and looking out the window. To take them out for the day or even take them away forever…

I couldn't tell Tracy that. Could I?

Was I supposed to shatter her hopes just like that?

"I'm sure your mother wouldn't want you to just sit like this and wait for her." Tracy sighed deeply. "Wouldn't she? And if she comes to get you then we can tell you straight away. After all- we don't know how long it's going to be…"

"Six months at the most…"

"Six months is a long time. And you wouldn't want to spend all of that time sitting here instead of playing with the others would you?"

"Playing?" Tracy glared at me. "I'm nine. I don't do playing."

"Well… spend time with the others. Louise is just the same age as you, she wished there would be another girl coming here that she could be friends with. There's Adele too but she's much older than you. And Zach and Ryan aren't exactly the best of friends either. They're…"

"I know who they are." Tracy mumbled. "We're cousins."

"You are?" I raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know that."

"Their mum is my aunt… not that I ever met them. I haven't met them once since I was a baby I just knew they existed."

"They have been here for quite a while…. Maybe if your mum is even the sisters with your aunt. Then at least she would know that you staying here would for you coming to a place where you'd be treated well. Because she knew so from what Zac and Ryan have learnt. And those two could tell you everything there is to know about this place."

Tracy didn't even look at me, she hadn't so far. But I could see her eyes from the side and something had changed…

"Then maybe your mum also knew that you could have a great time even though you're here…. And I'm sure you will once your temperature have gone down and you get to know the others a bit…"

At last Tracy looked away from the window and up on me…

"I could do that. I can make friends with anyone and everyone."

Well, she did have confidence if nothing else…

"I know you can. Now come on. Go to your room, eat, get well and then you can go see them and you'll make friends with them all…"

**XxXxX**

Seldom did the dumping ground, or any care system see an as perfect match as Tracy Beaker and Camilla Lawson.

And this hadn't been near Cam's intention when she came to Stowey House for making her article. And now here we were…

I could have grabbed Tracy and thrown her right into Cam's orange, rusty car- not because I wanted to get rid of her. But because I knew how big of a deal this was to Tracy.

And I was very surprised when Tracy suddenly stopped before getting into the car and looked back at her new foster mum. She probably couldn't wait to come to her new home.

"This is the bit of the fairytale where they say- and they lived happily ever after."

And with that. Tracy and Cam got into their car and drove away during more cheering and clapping from the rest of us.

Then, as if she'd miss this (I knew better) she turned holding onto the door and looked back on us. Then turned back to Cam.

"Or do they?"

Everyone should have known that it couldn't be so simple- and especially not with Tracy Beaker.

With that they both got into Cam's car and we all saw Tracy waving back through the window, then they turned around the corner, out on the road and away from all of us.

And I couldn't help the lump that had risen in my throat. Tracy had for sure been a one and only. But I had to say I was going to miss her. Even though I had left already and only come back to get a map of papers I had forgotten.

"Well." I hugged Peter and high- fived Ben, Zac and Ryan each time. "I already got my things so have a good life everyone." I couldn't say more or turn towards them. "I'll see you next week Elaine."

I couldn't help to wish that I'd be seeing anyone but Elaine…

With that, with sniveling and one single tear rolling down my cheek I got into my car, turned the motor on and drove down onto the street. But still had to smile when I looked back and saw the others cheer for me as they had done for Tracy.

I really had the best job in the world…

I had to laugh when I, on my way home saw Cam's orange little car standing still by the side of the road. Why wasn't I surprised?!

"You haven't come any further?"

I couldn't help but laugh again as I pulled over at the curb and came out of the car. Cam stood with the front of the car opened and leaned into it. Tracy on the other hand sat on the sidewalk and looked anything but happy.

I looked down at Tracy on the curb and on Tracy. She looked mostly as if she wanted to cry and I could understand. Changing her whole life amazingly by getting fostered and not getting more than a couple of kilometers until this happened.

"Can I help you?"

The front of the car was opened and Cam stood leaned into it. She must have heard I was coming, but still had something left to do because I went to sit down on the curb next to Tracy while she kept working. At last she came up with both her hands, her hair and face and her clothes stained black with who knows what?

"I don't think so Mike… I think I sorted it now."

She wiped her hands on her jeans and closed the front again and then looked to Tracy who hadn't moved from the sidewalk.

"Just let me check if it starts."

"I told you, you should get a new car before this one breaks down."

I patted Tracy's shoulder. She was ten years old, and how was she supposed to understand the worth in money?

"I don't have to get a new car. And I love this, anyone can have a new car."

I knew Tracy's dreams had been about a foster mum, or rather- her own mum coming in on a red mat to take Tracy with them. Someone rich who had a pink limousine and all money in the world.

Yet she probably wouldn't trade Cam for anything by now.

"You've got the rest of your lives to spend together." I told her. "Another few minutes won't matter."

If Tracy Beaker's glares could have killed there wouldn't have been much left of me.

"Are you good there Cam?"

The answer was obvious when Cam had put the key in and Tracy looked happier again when she turned her key and the motor had started its noise again.

"Well then." I would have hugged Tracy too but she backed away. "No more hugs? Okay… I'm wishing you both all luck in the future. And to start with I hope your car lasts until you're home…" Tracy's eyes had lost the glare. "Both of yours home."

And the glare was gone!

I stood back and watched them both leave as far as I could see. Maybe to see they actually got away. I couldn't see their house from here, it was quite the few blocks away from here. So at last I got into my own car and drove in the opposite direction Cam had.

I had a feeling this wasn't the last time I saw any of them… That things weren't about to work as smoothly as we all would wish.

How could they? This was Tracy Beaker.

But when I returned to this dumping ground years from now. It wouldn't be long before Tracy did.

How were we supposed to know about those circumstances now though…

**XxXxX **

Life just seldom works out the way we want it to.

And then it goes right again…

And then wrong…

When I came back to working on the dumping ground I had been told about all the times Tracy had been taken back here, and then how many times she had been taken back to Cam's and then there was that whole mess with Carly coming back…

My heart was just breaking for her.

"Are you alright there?" She sat in the little room under the climbing frame in the garden, it had been raining and even in there the ground was wet. "Jackie and Crash were looking for you?"

"I just felt like being alone."

I turned away from the window and to the door to actually get into the "house" and sit down next to the young girl. She didn't seem to even notice I was there. She just sat crossed- leg, her elbow on her knee and her chin in her hand. With the other hand she was pulling up grass straws and then throwing them on the ground.

"Do you want me to go?... wow. I don't remember the ground being so far down the last time I sat down on it…"

I tried to laugh and smirk at Tracy. But she was dead silent and didn't look up.

"Don't care."

I was pretty sure Tracy cared a whole lot more than what she let show- but anyone could have understood that.

"Does your feeling about wanting to be alone have anything to do with rejecting Cam wondering if you wanted to come with her and Gary on dinner later today? Because you still have time to change your mind. I'll drive you if you want to go."

"I don't want to go… not with him."

"With Gary?"

Tracy didn't answer. But I wouldn't have had to ask and she wouldn't have had to tell me

At last Tracy looked at me, she wasn't crying but her eyes were just hiding something that broke my heart more than I ever knew it could.

"I'm sure both he and Cam would be great happy if you came. I'm sure they don't want nothing more than for you to get along perfectly with the both of them."

Tears had been rising in Tracy's eyes and annoyed she wiped them away with her hands.

"Hay- fever."

By now I knew Tracy didn't get hay- fever no matter how much she tried to make it seem like it. But it wasn't up to me to try and stop her by now…

"Gary isn't going to take Cam from you Trace. There's plenty of room in her heart to love the both of you… I don't know what it is with Gary but… do you want to tell me what it is that's so hard for you- I can see there's something. Maybe I can help you with it? Or maybe Cam or Jackie or Crash?"

"It's… kind of hard to explain…"

"Try me."

"I… it's just… no way. I don't care. Cam and Gary can have their happily ever after. What do I care?"

"Oh Tracy…" I stroke her shoulder. "….None of you will have the chance to have your happily ever after without each other. Now. I know you're… I know you love Cam and I know she loves you and I know Gary wants a future with the both of you…"

Tracy glared at me so to the point I was silent. And completely silent for at least ten minutes before I suppressed a sigh and spoke again.

"No matter what you feel now. Deep down in here…" I pointed to her heart. "…You know that Cam loves you. And you are the most important part of her life by far. And…. I get it if you don't want to tell me, or anyone here and now what's troubling you. But I hope some day you will. And I do know that some time from now, tomorrow or next year or in ten years. You're going to have come out of this and…"

"Stop talking."

Tracy interrupted and got onto her feet. Without anything else she went outside and slammed the door after her…

Yeah, maybe ten years from now the solution to this time's troubles would be long solved and maybe even forgotten about.

I remembered a saying I had heard somewhere before. I couldn't remember where but I remember the saying clearly.

_The one who lives shall see. _

**XxXxX**

More than ten years had passed since that day under the climbing frame. Actually, there had been more a year since the day she had (more or less) made a whole building fall on me but that was another story that I'd like to forget all about…

"Mike?"

"Yeah."

We had probably been talking about everything in between earth and sky since we had gone to this restaurant. It wasn't until then, when I saw how dark it had gotten outside I realized how much time had passed by.

And it wasn't until I saw all the dirty dishes around the table I realized we must have eaten for the whole time. I wasn't so sure I had though…

"I have to say I've always been impressed by the amount of food you can eat during one single meal."

Tracy grimaced at me then made her napkin into a ball and threw it at me. I leaned to the side slightly and had to laugh at her.

"Well. What was it that you wanted to say?"

"It was just that… I have wanted to do this for long. Just for old times' sake or what it is they say. But this time I actually went through with it and that's because… I'm moving. Like, across the country- moving. And I guess I just… I wanted to meet you one more time before we go and… yeah… I still just wanted this to be a happy moment. But I know you'll be sad… and you have to be sad… you just have to be, you would if you loved me."

I couldn't help but shake my head at Tracy- of course I loved her, she was as good as my daughter.

"I meant to tell you sooner but with the whole… everything with packing and saying goodbye… I'm sorry."

"When you're leaving? Where are you going?"

"Tomorrow, and Dover."

"Already?"

I felt a lump rise in my throat. Sure there had been years in between when she moved in with Gary and Cam and I met her getting Liam at the police station. But Dover seemed like the other end of the world.

"Well… I could sit here all night and only talk to you." I couldn't help the shiver in my voice and met the gaze of a waiter who stood a bit away. "But I think they're waiting for everyone to leave so they can close…" I stood up and took my jacket. "Don't worry. I'll pay." I turned away so she wouldn't see it when tears took over. Getting squeamish on older days. "Everything missing now…" I continued once I'd taken my card and started walking towards the doors. "Is if Duke had been cooking and with that orange juice and muffin you ate for the first month you lived at the dumping ground."

Tracy cleared her throat and didn't say anything while I held the door open for her. Why did her house have to be so close? We only had one block to walk and then it was over…

"I didn't tell you because I just wanted to be just like any time." Tracy drew a shaky breath. "For tonight I didn't want to think about leaving…"

"Getting cold feet?"

"You think?" She drew another shaky breath. "But I just know that it's my time to leave… that it's just time to move on… and after all. I and Seth have each other and… I think it will be alright but if it doesns't then Cam's promised we can come back and live with her until we've sorted things out for our own place again. And Seth can do his job- drawing comics. Wherever he is in the world. I quit my job only a block away from here and I've gotten a job at another care home in Dover… Can you imagine? I as a care worker and Seth drawing comics…"

I had to raise an eyebrow- that he liked those I liked from seeing him and Toby Coleman together. But I would have never thought he would work with it.

"I keep remembering back to all of that time I spent in the dumping ground dreaming about becoming a famous actress, making all money in the world, or at least a rich boyfriend…" She gave a short laugh. "Neither I nor Seth or famous are rich or famous. But we can pay the bills and live in our own little flat and… honestly I couldn't imagine my life any better than what it is by now… And maybe it is like you said that time. In another ten years we can look back on this and the solution for today's problems will be so clear."

I had to walk in silence for quite a bit. During this whole evening we had spoke so much about everything else we had forgotten all about Seth. And even more about money…

"Here we are." We stopped at the porch of Tracy's house. "I wish I could have made this dinner last forever. It was very nice of you to come up with this idea for a dinner. Did you see all of those looks people would give us?" I couldn't help but laugh. "I bet they thought we were a couple."

"I saw that." Tracy sighed deeply. "Why would they? I mean. It could just have been that a father and a daughter… but yeah." She laughed shortly. "I saw that look. And anyway. You are my father Mike- or at least the closest thing I've ever known…." I put a hand over my heart. "No, really… that time wouldn't just have looked like a father and daughter…. To me, it really was. That was why I came up with the idea from the start. I couldn't just leave without telling you about it and make something out of this."

For a long while we just stood still and looked at each other, looked each other in the eyes and couldn't help it when tears came rolling down both of ours cheeks.

"Hay fever?"

"Not this time." Tracy answered at last and had to laugh. "I'm gonna miss you Mike."

"And I'm going to miss you too." I showed her to come closer and wrapped her tightly in my arms. "But as soon as you get there you won't have time to miss me so don't think about that…" Tracy snorted. "Do you want to bet?.. I just… know that you can always come back, show, call, anything you want. And I'll be there- I'll swim across the whole ocean if it's for you."

I kissed her forehead- I had done it many times but it felt like the last and I had to tell myself this was about moving and not falling off the face of the earth.

"You are the best Mike." I took a step back and raised an eyebrow. "I mean- every care kid, including me. Knows that they can always come to you with anything and you… you'll just do what you can to make it better." I could feel myself growing at least a whole meter taller by her words. "I just wanted to let you know that… I'm guessing it will be a while before we meet again."

Little did we know under what circumstances we would meet again…

**XxXxX**

"Tracy?"

I hadn't seen her in three years. Now she was right outside my door…

I had seen Tracy Beaker in all kinds of moods and feelings, from broken, confused and upset when Cam decided to get married and Tracy didn't let anyone- not even me know what was her problem with it. To when I had just returned to the dumping ground to get some things even though I had quit when I found out Tracy had finally found her forever home.

So many moments, so many moods and so many happenings and everything around and beyond.

But now she was standing on my doorstep, I was about to start talking but I had never seen Tracy- or anyone as heartbroken as she looked.

I was about to gently lead her into my hallway, the rain was pouring down over her and I tried to but she stood still in that still way, with that look in her eyes as if she was breaking beyond words- long beyond words.

"I lost him."

At last she whimpered something I couldn't quite catch over the sound of the pouring rain.

"What?"

"I lost him."

"Lost whom?"

"I lost him."

With that third and last time she ran a hand over her stomach…

"Tracy?"

I looked down on her hand that still laid across her belly, up on the broken look in her eyes, down again and up.

Oh, God. No, not this. Not to Tracy.

Not to my Tracy!

Without another word I laid a hand on Tracy's shoulder and gently led her over the threshold and into the hallway.

Suddenly it was like I just remembered all the practical things that had to be done. That I just thought it had to be done before sitting down and talking to her. I got a towel and my warmest. Softest shirt from my wardrobe and put on the kettle for warming water and picked out her favorfite tea from the cupboard, then it wasn't until that was finished that that I placed the cup in front of her and sunk down on the chair next to her.

"Tracy… I'm so sorry.."

The worst thing that could ever happen to a human being was for a mother to lose her child. Everyone knows that.

Maybe that's why you never expect it to you or someone you know.

"I was pregnant."

At last she whimpered one sentence only after what felt like hours. But I just didn't know what to answer.

"I was pregnant and the weeks passed and we were so happy. I and Seth made sure we would be the best parents… We didn't tell anyone because there's that risk of the beginning of a miscarriage. But we bought a stroller, and a little bathtub, and clothes to be enough for a thousand babies, and we made all these plans for what to do with the things. And then those first weeks had passed and everything seemed fine… when I got the feeling that something wasn't right then I thought it just had something to do with what my mum was like and Seth's parents… half of the pregnancy had passed and didn't seem as if anything could go wrong… but then it did. Everything went wrong… And suddenly I was in the hospital and they cut me open- oh my God…" Tracy put her head in her hands.

"…It couldn't have hurt for all of the painkillers they have given. But when they got my baby out. He was so little… and he wasn't screaming. They tried and tried and tried to save him but he wasn't screaming… then at last they stopped… when I realized what it meant that hurt more than a million cuts."

At last Tracy seemed to have said what she wanted to say for the moment. She had the towel around her shoulders and her dark, cold hair dripping but she didn't move it. She didn't touch the tea I had put in front of her neither. And she didn't seem to react at me stroking her back and wished it could help as it could have before.

"Seth hasn't been out of work since it happened… He says there's a lot to do but if so he must have done it all ten times around. Then when he's home at night he doesn't say a word, and certainly not about this. He just goes to sleep in the guest room while I'm alone in our bed…. All that have been is just me…." She sighed, and it seemed to come all the way from her feet. "…Alone."

What was I supposed to say?

"Tracy…" I kept rubbing her back, as if that could help. "…I'm so sorry."

"There are so many terrible people out there. So many people who are willing to hurt their children in all kinds of gruesome ways and then give them up…" She finally turned her head and looked me in the eyes. Showing me something that was more broken than I could ever know. "…I never did anything wrong. Did I?"

"No you didn't."

Then at last she moved, one arm fell to her side and the others around me as she leaned tightly into my shirt.

"Does it change Mike?" Tracy sniveled and now finally tears were running down her cheeks and into my shirt. "I've given it almost six months. A lot longer than what I was pregnant for. It hasn't changed. Not a single bit of it. Is it always going to hurt this bad or will it change?"

I pulled my arms tighter around her and kissed her hair as if that could make anything better..

"I don't think it will ever change." I almost whispered into almost right into her ear. "But I do think that there are times when it won't take up all your mind and all your time. That even though it still hurts as bad there are still chances to feel good again, laugh and feel happy- because that's what you're worth… That's my Tracy."

Tracy almost looked as if she had fallen asleep where she half laid into my lap, I didn't mind. I would sit like this for a week straight if she needed me to.

"I named him." She said at last. The hyperventilating had stopped and she sounded tired. "I guess it suited. No one really knows what it means… But one guess is little bird, his chin… it was just all pointy like a little beak. And that thatch of dark hair it looked just like feathers and… we will never know what he would have been like if he had lived and grown up… Seth won't talk about him so I didn't have to ask what he thought."

You always did what you wanted Trace. I could still have strangled Seth for hurting Tracy like this in everything that was going on though.

"I'm sure you chose right Trace. What was the name?"

"Marlon."

**XxXxX **

There was that fascinating energy in watching a four- year- old boy running around with arms stretched out like wings of an airplane and making fart noises with his mouth.

There was that fascinating feeling that we knew we had already talked enough and let the other know- Tracy having gone through a whole lot more than I had of course. But everything important that had happened had we sort of gotten through it.

There was that fascinating feeling when I and Tracy didn't have to say or do anything for a long while meanwhile we watched him.

"They told me I couldn't get pregnant again after Marlon." Tracy told me at last and watched out past the edge of the cliff we stood on. "…And… we came here and spread his ashes and… I couldn't ever have imagined such a pain… but then there he was. That extra blue line on a pregnancy test that turned into his very own little person."

"I'm not a person mum." The boy told her. "I'm an airplane."

"Sure you are…" The boy took a loop around us and then disappeared into his own world again. "You know, Marlon's name no one really knows what it means… But one guess could be little bird…" As on a given signal we could spot a bird leave the cliff and disappear. "…Duncan on the other hand, means dark warrior."

She waved towards her four- year- old son… excuse me, airplane. His dark curls, his light brown skin…

"Then he was born premature and we thought we'd lose him to but as you can see we didn't."

"You didn't…" I confirmed. "And you've already told me a lot but…may I ask though- how's Seth been doing in this?"

"Seth." Tracy sighed. "We're not together anymore. He didn't want to talk. Not about Marlon, not about Duncan… he barely wanted to look at Duncan as if he thought he was only a replacement of what we lost in Marlon. I tried talking to him about it many times but he didn't change. And at last I took Duncan with me and left- he didn't try and follow." She sighed again, with a sadder tone this time. "Nothing hurts more than losing a child and I know Duncan wishes all of him that he could meet his brother… but we're doing okay. Of course I would give anything for having Marlon here with me- alive and well…"

Just as Tracy's said that Duncan ran right past us again, with his arms out and making farting noises with his lips as if the biggest worry in the whole world was the fact that he had to stop to breathe in before he continued in circles.

"Can you imagine I created him? That that little person grew inside of me. And now I get to watch him… all the time. Every day spent like this and every night I can just stand next to his bed and watch him, when he snores I know I can hear him breathing… It feels like magic."

Maybe for a second we only stood there and watched along the waves going and going for as far as we could see towards the horizon. We could have been standing there for an hour, Duncan probably wouldn't have noticed because he was so caught in pretending to be an airplane.

"I'm thinking one day I'll foster or adopt a child." Tracy said all of a sudden. "Maybe from the dumping ground maybe somewhere else. Maybe just a baby or maybe an older child or maybe all of them. Maybe- while I could be the mum I always wanted to be for Duncan… and maybe for Marlon to, then maybe I could make sure I could be for someone, for a child what Cam was for me."

It probably hadn't been many- maybe not any times the dumping ground had brought together two people more perfect for each other than Cam and Tracy.

"We were okay. I and Cam… It was her and I- then I set fire to her kitchen… But we were okay… I didn't need some kind of boyfriend or husband of Cam's then and I don't need one of my own now- or ever… Since I and Duncan moved away from Seth… took our things and left… Duncan was upset of course but maybe there was something in his little mind who knew what was going on…" I watched him as he ran towards the end. "Duncan Trace Foreman Beaker. Do not go any closer to the edge…. Maybe he knew we were doing the right thing. Maybe someday I and Seth will find our way back to each other and get the future we hoped and thought we would have… and maybe we won't. But I sort of just feel so to peace with everything that is coming that I don't know about yet. And maybe that comes from that I know that I love him. That he is a piece of me and… as long as I know that nothing else matters."

I was pretty sure that one of these days a child, any child would come along for these two they would be perfectly enough and meant to be.

But that wasn't for me to decide. Not now and not ever.

And right now there was one question more important than any other.

"Does he ever get tired of playing airplane?"

"No!" We laughed. "And I don't mind watching him as long as he's happy and safe. He's the most important and no matter what comes next then that is the only thing I know. And that is just perfectly enough."

We waited for another while. There didn't seem to be anything left to say at this moment. Nothing else to do than to watch the little boy in front of us.

"What do you say Duncan?" The boy stopped and looked back when his mum shouted his name. "Should we get ice cream and make Mike pay for it?"

"ICE CREAM!"

I pretended to think the only reason I was here today was to pay for that ice cream and pretended to be hurt. Tracy just gave me a meaning look and in between us, with his small hands in each of us he pulled us with him towards the kiosk

I and Tracy only looked to each other for a second while the young boy babbled about all the ice creams in the world he'd like to eat here today.

"Wasn't that what I always promised you?" I said, watching the little boy with a black, curly thatch I barely even knew what I was saying. "I know you'd want Marlon here more than anything. But if he had been here Duncan wouldn't."

Tracy looked at me sadly and a tear rolled down her cheek…

"Hay fever?"

I couldn't help it…

"No…" She sighed sadly. "Not this time. Not of this matter."

I lifted Duncan up by the checkout stand so he could see and choose what flavor ice cream he wanted.

"What are they? I can't read."

"That's strawberry." Tracy said shakily and pointed. "That's chocolate, that's vanilla…"

She went on with all the flavors and Duncan wanted them all of course.

I didn't say anything more out loud but watched the smile as she took the ice cream and handed it to Duncan who looked at it as if he had been given all gold and diamonds in the world.

And while I paid for that and two more ice creams for myself and my daughter. I knew that she had been right in what she had said earlier today.

The dumping ground, the promises- even when the word promise hadn't been spoken out loud, the fostering and adopting, the return…

Marlon and Duncan…

It must have been magic who brought us here today.

"OH NO." Duncan woke me up from my thoughts when he shouted and started crying. "I DROPPED IT." For sure a piece of chocolate ice cream and a piece of waffle and blueberry laid on the ground and could impossibly be saved.

"That's okay little man." I said, the ice cream would melt into the ground but I bent down and lifted the hard waffle and threw it in the trash. "I can buy you a new one. But then make sure you don't drop this one, okay?" He nodded through the tears.

"Accidents happen so easily." The clerk laughed when we came back inside. "Do you want the same as before? And maybe one piece more without the extra cost?" She blinked at me, I nodded in a thanks and helped Duncan holding it while we went outside and to a small bench that was put by the wall.

I didn't give Duncan his ice cream until we sat down this time. But as soon as he had it he was happily licking without giving much a thought that I and his mum were still there, by his side.

For a four-year-old today's problems could be fixed with getting a new ice cream at the kiosk by the beach.

And right now there wasn't much to do than eating ice cream.

Well, there was still something to do for Duncan who needed to tell me something…

"I have a brother."

Duncan wasn't even looking at me, he concentrated mostly on his ice cream. I exchanged a look with Tracy but she didn't have any time to say anything before Duncan suddenly stopped licking his ice cream and for a while stared right out into the air as if he saw something we couldn't.

"He's dead- my mum told me that. And…" He looked thoughtfully out into space, then at the melting, small pool of his first ice cream by the doors to the kiosk. "My ice cream sort of died! And maybe it died so that my brother Marlon could have it."

The thoughtful moment was over, Duncan looked back on his (very much alive) ice cream. Then I couldn't help but look up on Tracy who was staring from her son, to the ice cream, back to Duncan….

Whichever adult could know what went on in a four- year- old's mind?

But looking forward I could just see an imaginary boy, six or seven- with the same black, curly hair and light brown skin as Duncan. And then watched as he picked the ice cream from the trash and the ground and started licking it.

I was crazy wasn't?

Well, I could be crazy as much as I could if I saw Tracy laugh and ruffle in her son's hair like that.

"I guess life just has a way sometimes… but I'll be here to see the rest of it too."

"What?" Tracy asked to my mumble that I'd barely known I said at all. "Did you say something?"

"No." I said, shook my head and took a bite of my ice cream…

…I regretted that.

"Ow, ow, ow… brain freeze."

**Wow, I've been thinking about that ending a thousand times and didn't know how to end it but that would have to do. **

**If you have read more of my stories you might have noticed this isn't the first time I mention Dover. Why is that? Because it's the only town in England I've ever been- only travelled through but any except for London. **

**Random fact **

So… x snow- pony x wanted me to write a story with Tracy and Mike and their relationship. And I wanted to write it to show like you know, things can always get better. And then I came up with it and I've been writing it for like a month. But now it's finished and I hope everyone liked it.


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